been having trouble sleeping since i returned from london. even trying to slp with alcohol doesn't help.

i know i haven been handling the breakup well. been drinking everyday, sleeping 2-3 hours a day, keeping to myself at home. i would say tat im heading down the road of self-destruction. all i do now is play computer games or play soccer or watch tv. i even cut my hair until it's botak, like NS botak. u can call it self-destruction because tat look is the worst in the world. but i did it out of frustration. im frustrated with myself and frustration with all that has happened. i keep thinking abt "what if", "why". but i wanted to change the past, and i cant. this feeling of helplessness led to frustration i guess? i dun noe who i am anymore. for the moment, im very misguided. my navigational systems are down, im just flying blindly thru the clouds, hoping one day i'll get back to where i came from.

u're summer, and in the movie, the actor got over her when autumn came along. but will i? i dun noe. i invested so much into it and the sudden nature of it came as a total surprise to me. and how u handled it made me feel even worse. dun u tink u could have done it better? well, u wont even bother to read this, so posing this question to u is like a rhetoric qns. i'll answer for u. i think u could have done it bettter. i think u could have told me right from the start it was completely over. u shouldn't have waited till i left for london then ignore me totally. u expect me to get it? u said it is expensive for u to reply and i believe it totally. like what the fuck?! am i tat dumb?! i guess when it's FUCKNG one-sided love, the person that's giving the love is FUCKING DUMB. hello DUMBASS!

mum said i've nv said anything abt the trip to london to her, neither did i show her the pics. i enjoyed myself in london but it always remind me abt summer. if i have not gone to london, summer wouldn't have left. 500 days of summer was good, it spoke to me abt wat i've not done for summer. i tot i did, but i guessed i didn't. i love summer, but i cant say the same abt her. she's moved on, to a possibly more ugly dude. surely u cant do worse than that right? but well, ur choice anyway. cant wait to see ur cousins and ur aunts ridicule u anw.

i love u and yet i hate u for wat u've done.

health is in decline. been having chest pains. feels like my heart is giving me problems. and i dun mean emotionally. and i tink my lungs too.. it's just painful sometimes to breathe, especially on the left. and to make things worse, sometimes i get shortness of breath and struggle to breathe as well. then i'll start to panic. i dun noe wat's wrong.

and just today, i drank only a cup of milo, a cup of bubble tea and ate a mouthful of spagetti. i dun noe wat's wrong.

i really love u alot.

no matter how bad u treat me now, i dun care. all i want is for u to love me again. im an emotional wreck now, i cant concentrate on anything.

i lost all my drive, lost all my happiness. sometimes in school, when i laugh with my frens, aft the laugh, i wonder, am i really tat happy? im not at all. u possibly cant be bothered with me.

ex-convicts are given a chance at life, but why cant i? is it really tat hard to forgive and forget? u can choose not to forget, but muz u really let the past affect the present and future? are u tat narrow-minded? i feel damn fucked up now.

i feel like ending all the pain i have. i really feel like doing tat. i know it doesn't bother u but i'll do it if i cant take it anymore. u tore me up into a million pieces and right now, i dun noe where to begin with. im really really devastated.

i cant take it any longer.

good bye.

I LOVE U ALWAYS. no matter how bad u treat me, no matter how far away u are from me, no matter how much u hate me. just when i've learnt to treat u the way u wanted, u chose to turn me away and abandon me. i've got nth else left in this world except a useless shell.

u meant the most to me, losing u is the worst thing in my life. i invested all my feelings in u, hoping we could last till the end. but now, the end is near and not the end i wanted. im just so depressed, just so disappointed tat the love i advocated, especially this, "love keeps no records of wrongs", failed to take root in u..

i've learnt to love u for ur flaws but it's all too late. u choose to bail out when the going got too rough.

i suck, i stink. i deserve to die.

every time when im in need, i turn to God. when im not in need, i just push Him aside.

God is not a matter of need. He's a matter of faith.

i need to get my priorities right. need to sort them out. need to set out to do wat i wanna accomplish.

i need to bring Him back into my life, make Him an indispensible part of my life. i need the passion i once had for Christ. being away from church for so long is not healthy. still, i need to mentally strong and persistent in pursuing the faith.

it's time to walk the talk. it's time to move my limbs and not just my mouth.

i shud do it not just for Him, but for my friends and family and the ones tat matter most to me.

one's self-less act will nv be repaid with another self-less act. the one who's self-less loses out in the end.

society does not allow ppl to be self-less because they will always be in the losing end..

so much for kindness begets kindness..

Hypocrites rule the world.